The Next American Caesar
A warning to MAGA from 2029: Trump precedents could haunt us all.
I’m writing this newsletter on May 4, 2029, barely more than 100 days into the presidency of Caesar Alexander, a former social media influencer who narrowly defeated JD Vance in the 2028 election and, learning the lessons of Donald Trump’s first 100 days, unleashed a blizzard of executive orders to launch his “Social Democracy” agenda. This isn’t a parody. Something like this could happen. Indeed, something like this already has.
WASHINGTON (May, 4, 2029) — President Caesar Alexander sold himself to American voters as the mirror image of his predecessor. Less than half Donald Trump’s age at just 36, sinewy built with chiseled cheekbones and abs he made famous as a social media influencer, Alexander burst onto the national scene as a virtual unknown in 2027 with his promise to “Make America America Again.” Wearing his signature blue “M3A” fleece vests, Alexander spoke poetically of “a new covenant of Social Democracy” inspired by his namesakes: Cesar Chavez and Alexander Hamilton.
But barely more than 100 days into his presidency, Alexander is more like Trump than he would like to admit. While their policies and personalities could not be more different, Alexander has borrowed heavily from the Trump playbook to expand presidential powers, weaken Congress, defy the judiciary, punish his enemies, neuters what’s left of an independent media, and brutishly impose his agenda on Washington.
He’s attacking churches, busting monopolies, regulating Fortune 500 companies, bolstering unions, socializing medicine, gutting pro-business programs, growing the federal workforce, and “doing everything I can to own the MAGAs.”
Just as Trump leveraged the abuses of past presidents to justify his excesses, Alexander points to Trump to defend his. “MAGA wanted an imperial presidency,” he said this week. “Now they got it.”
The White House later insisted Alexander was joking. But the Department of Justice has opened a treason investigation into the National Journal reporter who was inadvertently included on a Zoom invite for the event. There is no way to verify the quote or assess the president’s intent because the Alexander White House is only covered by government-sanctioned “Caesar Scribes.”
Alexander issued an executive order on Day 1 of his presidency giving him power not only to choose which journalists work in the White House — a precedent created by Trump — but to control all audio and video feeds of White House events through the Army Signal Corps.
It was one of 150 executive orders signed by Alexander in his first 100 days, exceeding by eight the number signed by Trump during his record-shattering first 100 days. Alexander rushed out of the gate, determined to keep Republicans off kilter with strategic chaos. “We’re throwing boatloads of spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks and what sucks,” he said in January.
Alexander’s first executive order directed the Internal Revenue Services to deny all American churches their tax-exempt status. With a stroke of his M3 blue pen, Alexander also:
Made it a crime punishable by life in prison to "write, print, utter or publish" any "false, scandalous, and malicious" writing against the government or the president. In doing so, he evoked the same 18th century law that Trump used to order the deportation of U.S. residents and citizens without due process.
Required all employers doing business with the federal government “or in any ways benefitting from the federal government” to unionize their workforces.
Required all employers doing business with the federal government to submit “Climate change action plans” to the White House for approval.
Ordered the Department of Justice to declare all Fortune 50 companies illegal monopolies “and begin the process to break them up.”
Expanded Medicare to every U.S. citizen, a legally dubious order that drew no objection from the Democratic-controlled Congress.
Granted blanket amnesty to undocumented immigrants and ordered states to enroll them as voters or lose federal funding. “This should clear up our illegal immigration problem,” he boasted.
Directed the Department of Justice to conduct criminal investigations into Trump’s three eldest children, citing unsubstantiated online rumors of illegal activity. “Many people tell me they should be in jail,” Alexander said.
Empowered the FCC to regulate FOX News and ordered the agency to investigate whether the conservative outlet should be stripped of its broadcast rights.
Expanded the federal workforce to pre-Trump levels and eliminated two agencies: the Small Business Administration and the Commerce Department.
Fired the Grand Ole Opry Board and replaced it with Gen Z digital influencers. The iconic country music venue sued Alexander, saying he had no jurisdiction over the board, and a federal judge ruled against the president. “Judges don’t trump presidents,” Alexander said. “I have an army, they don’t.”
Renamed the Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport the “Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama National Airport.”
Despite a steep decline in both the markets and his poll numbers, Alexander vowed to defy court orders and congressional actions that undermine his agenda. “The people elected me to make America America Again and bring about a new covenant of social democracy,” he said during a photo op of the living U.S. presidents.
Smirking at his predecessor, Alexander said, “Nothing can stop me. Right, Donald?”
The New York Times editorial board, which endorsed Alexander in his campaign against Vance, denounced the new president in a scathing rebuke that mirrored the paper’s criticism of Trump. "If he continues down this path and Congress and the courts fail to stop him, it could fundamentally alter the character of American government,” the Times said of Alexander. “Future presidents, seeking to either continue or undo his policies, will be tempted to pursue a similarly unbound approach, in which they use the powers of the federal government to silence critics and reward allies."
These are dark times for America in 2029. But nobody can say we weren’t warned.
Clever writing here and brilliant in exposing the tactics of a lawless administration
The people who need to read this won't see it. It might be a parody, but it is a real possibility.
excellent work.